


pretty amazing to be something

by ohallows



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: (references to canon character death), Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Gen, Letters, Team as Family, brief allusions to child abuse in chapter 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:13:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: A series of letters found underneath the rubble of Rome.
Relationships: Azu & Sasha Racket, Grizzop drik Acht Amsterdam & Sasha Racket, Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan & Sasha Racket, Sasha Racket & Oscar Wilde, Sasha Racket & Zolf Smith
Comments: 44
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> screams can we just. please. PLEASE.
> 
> ok. anyway. there are zolf letters on patreon and so my brain went ‘god what if sasha wrote them all letters’ so i’m really ready to scream for *multiple* reasons today. anyway

_ Boss, _

_ I don’t even know if you’ll find these. Not sure if you ended up finding us again. Hope you did, though.  _ ~~_ Missed you when _ ~~ _ Think we were… dunno. Sounds sappy, yeah? But I think we were good for you. We needed someone to tell us which way to run in, and I think you needed someone to believe in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself.  _

_ You were the first person I trusted in a long time. You and Hamid, really. First people who cared more about  _ **_me_ ** _ than about how I could help you.  _ ~~_ It really helped _ ~~ _ It was nice. Even if Bertie was there.  _

_ I never really thanked you for healing me under Paris.  _ ~~_ Maybe Hamid told you _ ~~ _ I think you saved me for longer than you realised. Had a pretty close shave with being a lich, there, but it all got figured out.  _ ~~_You saved me_ _I know I was a_~~ _ Thank you. I think if you hadn’t, I would have turned even quicker. Wouldn’t have had a chance to be saved. So. Just. If you’re ever doubting yourself again, maybe think on that for a minute.  _

_ Sorry, didn’t - didn’t mean to get sappy. Meant this to be… dunno. A record? Of everything?  _ ~~_ Knew you’d somehow find a way to blame yourself, so I wanted to _ ~~

_ Anyway. We ended up meeting a dragon. Dunno if you would have liked him.  _ ~~_Not really sure if Harlequin blood is genetic?_ _Maybe he would have smelled it on you_~~ _ It was well cool. Hamid’s descended from him. Weird, thinking that he’s related to a dragon. Guess it explains some of the... claw and fire things.  _

~~_ I’m sorry we _ ~~ _ I’m sure Hamid’s told you the rest of the story. About Damascus, Rome… all of it. If you ever read this, of course. Could be you just left. Wouldn’t blame you for that, either.  _

~~_ I hope you _ __ ~~

~~_ I know _ __ ~~

_ I just - I wanted you to know I was okay, in the end.  _ ~~_ It’s not your fault you _ ~~ _ I know you had to leave. I get it. But  _ ~~_ you looked so guilty all the time _ ~~ _ I’m okay, Zolf. Promise. Situation is a little less than ideal, but… probably older than I ever would have made it back home, yeah? I don’t - I want you to know that I was happy. Took a bit, but I was happy. Felt… free. Able to make my own way in the world, even if it hadn’t been how I thought it would happen.  _

~~_ Hadn’t felt that way since we were all _ __ ~~

_ Hope you got your head straightened out, in the end. Think I know a bit more how you feel, now. Like you’re on the verge of breaking, and one more thing will be the thing that ends it all. Sucks.  _ ~~_ Think I understand why you left _ ~~ _ I know what it’s like to be trapped somewhere you just can’t be anymore. That… you just feel lost, yeah? Spinning in a thousand different directions without any idea how to move forward. I get it.  _

_ I never hated you for leaving. I want you to know that. Hamid got a little weepy, and I missed you, but I know why you did it. Neither of us blamed you.  _ ~~_ It wasn’t _ ~~ _ I wished you didn’t have to leave, wished that we could have helped you, but I know how it looks when someone is spiraling out of control. Seen that look in the mirror enough times by now.  _ _~~So. Just~~. _ _ Just wanted to tell you. I understand. Think you made the right choice, even if I wanted you to have stuck around.  _

_ Dunno if you joined up again. Hope you did. I’m gonna think yes, because Hamid probably needed the stability after… everything. He struggles, but… he’s trying, you know?  _ ~~_ Maybe don’t fight so much _ ~~ _ You two are good for each other too. Don’t mean in  _ **_that_ ** _ way, I just. You push each other to be better. Keep the bickering down. It was funny for me, but I don’t think Azu’d appreciate it.  _ ~~_ And she doesn’t deserve _ ~~ __

_ Azu… if you met her, I hope you like her. Don’t think her and Hamid would ever split up again, so if you’re back with him, she’ll be there too. She’s - she just has this faith? In people? Something I could never have.  _ ~~_ It’s really _ ~~ _ I don’t want her to lose that. I hope she doesn’t. She’s… she’s good. Better than any of us could be. I don’t know how she kept the faith, all that time, but  _ ~~_ nothing should break _ ~~ _ I want her to continue to have that. She deserves it.  _

_ Sorry. Know I’m not the best at… saying things. Get all muddled up in my brain, sometimes. It’s easier to write ‘em down  _ ~~_ even if I second guess _ ~~ _ It’s just easier.  _

_ Anyway. Gettin’ a bit long, but. I just wanted to let you know I’m doing alright. Should be proud of me, really. Started up a training school, opposite of anything Barrett made. Gonna give these kids a real chance, out in the world. Not just gonna turn them into a weapon. _

_ If you did meet back up with Hamid, I hope he told you about Barrett. How in the end, he was nothing.  _ ~~_ Not to me _ ~~ _ Finally got out from under his thumb - even if I had to go back to Rome to really escape. Still, though, if you run into him again, give him a good stab from me. Use a  _ ~~_ good knife _ ~~ _ bad knife. It’ll hurt more. _

_ Miss you. Sorry we never got to see each other again, when we were both… okay.  _

_ Thanks for trying to help save me.  _

_ S _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: weeps over sasha weeps over sasha weeps over sasha

_ Hey Azu, _

_ Wasn’t really sure how to start this. Feel like… there was so much left unsaid, there, at the end. Sorry. Didn’t really want things to end up this way.  _

~~_ Thought maybe _ __ ~~

~~_ I’m not _ __ ~~

_ Emotions aren't the easiest thing for me.  _ ~~_ Guess when you grow up having them beaten out of you _ ~~ _ It’s just never been something I were good at.  _ ~~_ Hope I didn’t make you think _ ~~ _ I suppose what I’m trying to say is… thank you. I… I’m not the best at showing it, but I appreciate everything you did for me. Even after we’d just met, you just wanted to help. I never really said it enough but.  _ ~~_ It meant a lot _ ~~ _ Thank you, for… everything.  _

_ You did save me. All of you, really. There was - for a while there, I wasn’t actually sure if I’d make it? Everything felt really hopeless for a while, like I was staring down a pitch black tunnel without a light on the other end of it. Thought I’d wake up one day and, whoops, undead Sasha, no chance of returning. But… you all. Worked really hard to help me, and I know I complained and grumbled, but. It meant something. To me.  _

~~_ I just don’t know how to _ __ ~~

_ And then with Rome, it… I know I didn’t want to go. But I chose to. You didn’t make me do that, yeah? I know you.  _ ~~_ I’m sure this _ ~~ _ I don’t want you to blame yourself, okay? This isn’t your fault. I know Grizzop would say the same if he were here.  _ ~~_ I don’t want to _ ~~ _ I hope this letter helps, at least. Gives you a chance to move on. I want you to. Move on, that is. I’m - I’m okay. I promise. I’m happy.  _

_ I know you want to know what happened. I don’t really get it myself. Magic was never what I were good at, but seems the spell went wrong. We landed in Ancient Rome, saw… the world break, I guess. Found the Meritocrats.  _ ~~_ Lost _ __ ~~

_ Grizzop saved me. I know you and Hamid would wonder, and  _ _ h ~~e’s not here to leave you a message himself~~ _ _ I just. You both deserve to know. There was - the Meritocrats, they were trapped in Rome. Being used by the… whatever the hell you call the leader of Rome. A cult broke them out, and then they burned the entire city to the ground.  _

_ Grizzop… did something. I don’t know. Some weird magic-y thing. He took a hit meant for me, and then he took even  _ **_more_ ** _ and he just -  _

_ Sorry.  _ _~~It's been years but it still~~ _ _ I don’t like thinking about it. But you two deserve to know. If I know either one _ _ of you, you’ll have been thinking about this for a while.  _

_ You… you’re not going to be able to save us, but we don’t need saving, either. Grizzop’s gone, we - we won’t be getting him back anytime soon. And I - I’m good. Made something of myself back here in Rome. Got a place all my own, used to to build something I could be proud of. Like to think you’d be proud as well.  _

_ Maybe you’ll find me in a history book, someday - never used my real name, though, so good luck.  _

_ And… Whatever happened to you and Hamid… I hope you’re together. Don’t really see a scenario where you split up, now, but I hope you both made it back. Who knows. Could also be lost to time, like me and Grizzop were.  _

~~_ Neither of you deserve  _ ~~

~~_ You should be together after _ ~~

_ You all were important to me, even if I didn’t always know how to show it.  _

_ I do miss you. Hope you’re alright. I’m sure this letter made you cry, so I’m sorry for that too.  _

_ Sasha _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [stares wistfully at prague] i wish sasha and hamid had spoken more

_ Hamid, _

_ Sorry.  _

_ I was going to start out with some explanation, some… dunno. This seems more appropriate. I know it’s what I want to say the most, but.  _ ~~_ I don’t really  _ ~~

_ You know, it’s weird, innit? We knew each other the longest out of everyone, but we never really had time to get to know each other. You and Azu always got on better, and me and Grizzop did, but. Wish we’d… dunno. Had some more time. Wish all of us did, really.  _ _ Was too short. _

_ I don’t know why I decided to write these letters to you all. Just felt… like closure, I guess. Didn’t really have anything to leave behind when I ran away from Other London. Don’t even know if you’ll find these. But… I wanted to leave  _ **_something,_ ** _ I guess. You’d have to know  _ **_me_ ** _ to know who it’s tied to. _

_ I like the feeling of wanting to leave something behind. No one - no one really cared, in Other London, it were just me and Brock against the world, and he left and then it were just me, so. Didn’t want to leave a mark behind.  _ ~~_ Didn’t want to be remembered _ ~~ _ Didn’t want to be found. _

_ S’different, since being with all of you.  _

_ Realised this could be my legacy. What I built here… I think I’d like that. Making a mark. Still want it to be a bit of a secret, though. Maybe just… say it’s Sisha Racquet. Rateck. Something.  _

_ Sorry, that’s - that’s not all I wanted to say. Hamid, you should know. Rome wasn’t… punished for dark magic. Not sure what other lies the Meritocrats have been telling, but that’s not why they burned Rome. They’d been locked up, kept to be used as weapons by the rulers, and some cult broke them out. They razed everything; don’t blame them, really, but the commoners… they weren’t at fault. I don’t think.  _

_ Dunno. Everything… everything burned.  _

_ Just… thought you would want to know. Keep an eye on them, yeah? _

_ Saw your great great whatever granddad, actually. Seemed… young. Almost funny, innit. Meritocrats weren’t always the huge dragons we thought they were. Well - no, they were still huge, but not… behemoth, like that. Terrifying, though. _

_ I didn’t watch. Was underground, for all of it. Back in the sewers, just like in Other London. Got out that way, made it away from the city. Heard everything, though. And when I came up… everything was ash. Only a few people survived.  _

_ There’s not an easy way to say this, but. Grizzop’s dead. Suppose I’m dead too, when it comes to it. If you made it back.  _ _ I ~~never really~~ _ ~~__ ~~

_ I… I know you and Azu must be proper guilty over this. Don’t be. Me and Grizzop - well, we didn’t make the decision, but there’s nothing to be done about it.  _ _~~There isn’t~~ _ _ I don’t think I would want to be brought back, now. _

_ Finally got away. I know, at the end, I didn’t care about Barrett. Weren’t lying. I - I don’t. But… knowing he can never touch me here, it’s - it’s a freedom I didn’t think I’d ever get. So just - be happy for me too, yeah?  _

_ I know you’ll want to mourn Grizzop. I - I wanted to do more for him, but Rome was being destroyed all around us, and. I _ ~~_ closed his eyes, but _ ~~ _ I ran. Nothing else I could do.  _

_ Think you should let the temple know, if you can. I couldn’t give him a proper burial, when - when it happened. They’d know what to do. To honor him. S’what he deserves.  _

_ Sometimes I think I feel him… watching. I never knew much about religion, and I know you don’t believe in the gods, but. Kinda comforting, to think we could all see each other again. Don’t know what I believe, but that would be, dunno. Nice.  _

_ I hope you and Azu made it back.  _ _~~Gods, I hope you made it back~~. _ _ If you did, and if you saved everyone… tell Mr. Gussett thanks for me. Tell him I’m free. He’ll like that.  _

_ And, Hamid… I know you’re not asking for advice, and I know I’m not the best at giving it, but, Hamid - if I had to say one thing to you… Listen more. You’re well good at talking to people, well good at it. But sometimes you - you can’t fix things?  _ ~~_ I really appreciated _ ~~ _ Sometimes people just… need to sit in it. Work through it themselves. It’ll all work itself out, in the end.  _

_ You’re a good one, Hamid. Minus the posh bits, but you’ve gotten better with those too. Think you could really be something great, if you let yourself. Just… sometimes, you're wrong, and that’s okay. Maybe think a bit more before you act, too.  _

_ Think you’ll be able to do it. I believe in you. Miss you all. Don’t worry. I’m happy as I could be, here. _

_ Sasha _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone see how that chapter count went up :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> grizzop time babey

_ Grizzop, _

~~_ You arsehole _ ~~

~~_ How could you _ ~~

~~_ I’ll never forgive _ __ ~~

_ Fuck you. I’m not worth more than your own life. This is a stupid letter to write. You’re gone, you’re dead, all because you got it into your stupid thick head that I was more important and  _ ~~_ we could have both made it You should have been here _ ~~ _ We could have made it out. _

_ S’not like you’re ever going to read this. Prick. Going and dying on me before I could even thank you for saving my life. Before we could figure out how to get away from all of them.  _

_ It could have  _ **_worked_ ** _ , Grizzop. I know it looked bad there, at the end, but how do you think I feel, knowing you saved me only to turn around and die yourself? We could have made it  _ **_out._ ** _ You - we were the only two we had down there, and you just -  _

_ Gods. Yeah. I’m mad at you. Clearly.  _

_ I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe to help make some sense of it all in my head. It’s been a few months since it happened, but  _ _~~I still wake up from~~ _ _ It still feels fresh. I can still see it, in my head. Can still feel the spear going through, but not feeling any of the pain… can remember waking up, alone. _

_ Everyone leaves me, you know? Brock left - not his fault, he got shoved into a… brain computer. Bertie left in Paris, which I didn’t really care about. And then I was alone after the cave-in in Paris, thought I was the only one left alive. And then Zolf left, cause he needed to. Could see how he was about to break. And then - and then Rome, and we were lost, and now you’ve left me too.  _

_ Fuck.  _

_ I know you were just protecting me. It’s what you  _ **_do,_ ** _ innit? Protect the people you care about. Give it your all.  _

_ Thank you. For saving me. I… don't agree with it. But. Thank you. You’re probably the only reason I got out, and I don’t - I don’t know what would have happened otherwise, but I didn’t let your sacrifice be in vain. Promise you that.  _

_ And I’m… happy. Happy as I could be, I suppose, stuck in an unfamiliar world. I know you’ll never read this, but… if you could, you’d want to know. Me and Cicero got out. After - after  _ **_you,_ ** _ the rest of the cult got us. Knocked us out.  _ ~~_ You could have still been _ ~~ _ Woke up tied to a post. Cicero was… screaming. Dunno what. Think they wanted us to be a sacrifice. Didn’t work out. _

_ They let the dragons out. And then… everything burned. Can’t really blame them.  _

_ I pulled Cicero down into the sewers and we escaped. Nearly left him behind, actually. He - he’d pissed me off. Said some rude things about He just did. But I still saved him. Thought - dunno.  _ ~~_ I needed to save someone _ ~~ _ Thought it was what you might want. I couldn’t leave him behind, so we got out. Rome burned above us, but the sewers took us to the edge of the city, and then we just. Left. Walked off, into the open fields.  _

_ Found an abandoned house, there. Was never much of a carpenter myself, but we fixed it up well enough until some proper carpenters came along and did more. Think - think I’ll be staying here, for a while. I don’t… I don’t have anything to run from, anymore. _

_ It’s kind of nice, actually.  _

_ Made a grave for you, nearby. I didn’t - I know you don’t care about the body after death, that the soul, what makes up the person, is up in the astral plane. See. I listened to you after all.  _

_ But I wanted… I needed something to be there. A mark. Something to remember you by, even when the years have gone by. It’s not much, just a rock with an arrow carved into it - turns out even back in Rome, adamantine is the best material for any sort of carving. So, wherever you are… you have this. You left this mark on the world. On me.  _

_ Grizzop, I’m still mad at you. But I know why you did it, and… thank you. Don’t think I’d ever be able to say it enough if you were here, so the gods know why I thought I’d be able to in just a letter, now that you’re gone. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are now. You deserve that, at the very least. And I hope wherever you are, it’s exactly what you believed it to be.  _

_ I hope you’re up with Artemis, on a hunt. Maybe, if what you believe is true… we’ll all meet together. At the end. I hope we do. Better look out for my daggers, though, might forget I don’t want to kill you again when we see each other. At least for a little bit. You’d deserve it, though.  _

_ Maybe I’ll write one of these for everyone. For you, for Azu, for Hamid… I know there’s next to no chance that they’ll ever find them, and I know you’ll never read them, but… maybe it’d be… good? For me. Just. To get my thoughts down. Dunno.  _

_ Sounds stupid, put like that. Might still do it, though. Might - might help.  _

_ I’m sorry. Thank you, Grizzop. I’ll never forget you. _

~~_ Love you. _ ~~

_ Sasha _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: wilde time   
> me, remembering i can’t make puns: wait
> 
> literally each pun was crowdsourced thank u prox and mae and the lolomg server

_ Wilde,  _

~~_ Feel a bit strange, writing this _ ~~ _. Dunno if you’ll find it, or even  _ **_want_ ** _ to read it, but I thought I… owed it to you, I guess. Owed it to me too, just - just a way to say goodbye.  _

_ I know you probably want to say you told us so. I can hear it, actually, even though it’s been years since we’ve seen each other. Just...that little bit of posh know-it-all-ness that you put on. Well. You told us. We went anyway.  _

_ Not really sure what to say here. For a while, I was never sure if you even  _ **_liked_ ** _ any of us. Well, other than Bertie,  _ ~~_ but that was less _ ~~ _ but that didn’t last. Took me a while to realise how to… read you, I guess. Never was very good at it, not really, but I think I got close to it, at the end.  _

_ Grizzop said you looked like hell when he found you in Damascus. Blood coming out your eyes and ears and shite. Gross. Hope wherever you are, whenever you find this, you’ve gotten better. Grizzop also said you didn’t want to listen to him and the cleric, so maybe you keeled over from exhaustion. I hope you didn’t, though.  _

_ Being undead was… you never really understand exhaustion until you don’t sleep. Every day I woke up and felt less rested than the day before, and everything… hurt. Felt like I was, dunno, losing myself? Almost? And, like, I was, I literally was, but it’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  _

_ Well. Maybe I would.  _ ~~_ Seems like something Barrett would deserve _ ~~ _ You’re not my enemy, though, so I hope that whatever it is, you don’t have to worry about it anymore. Sorry. I just - I wanted to say, take care of yourself. And - listen to other people, sometimes. You don’t always know best.  _

_ Don’t look so offended. Or maybe you’re smiling. Smirking. Saying you do. I wouldn’t put it past you.  _ ~~_ Weird to think I almost miss it _ __ ~~

_ I’m happy. Here, I mean. In Rome. The ancient one, not - not the one Einstein took us too. Not really. I’m sure you found out enough about the Racketts on your own to understand why I was running, but here I don’t have to.  _ ~~_ For the first time in a long time _ ~~ _ It’s nice, not having to run. To be looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next person who’s going to leave you behind. It’s nice, finding new people to trust.  _

_ Grizzop’s gone. He - he died protecting me. Thought you’d want to know that too. Went out like a hero.  _

_ … I’m mad at him. I dunno if I’m - allowed to be? He saved me, but that meant he left,  _ ~~_ and everything feels _ ~~ _ so I was alone. But. He saved me. I should be… happy? And I am. But I miss him, too. Dunno. Thought you’d understand that better than Azu and Hamid. Seems like you have a lot of people to miss, even if you never talked about it. And it’s not like you could even respond, if you did, but… it feels good. Getting it out.  _

_ If - if you’re still with them, just…. tell them thanks. From me. I wrote them each things, but dunno how well paper keeps, so even if some of these get destroyed, I want them to know.  _ ~~_ How much I cared _ ~~ _ They were good. You’re good too, Wilde. Maybe one day you can believe it.  _

_ You’re… too good at hiding, I think. I know what that’s like. Grew up learning how to hide. Harder for people to hurt you when you’re hiding. The shadows are just - well, easier. We had different kinds of shadows, though.  _

_ All this… bit of shady work, innit? Get it? Shady, because - shade. Shadows.  _

_ Gods. Can hear your response, too. Something about not being kept in the dark, probably. Would put money on it. I had fun with those, you know. Couldn’t come up with them as quick, but was dead proud when I did.  _

_ And… sorry. I didn’t mean everything I said. About you hating yourself.  _ ~~_ I mean, I did at the time, because you were being as arse like always, but I _ ~~ _ I know how it feels, to hate yourself. I don’t think you should. And, yeah, I know that isn’t how it works, but… you’re not as bad as you try to be. Underneath.  _

~~_ I think we were friends _ ~~ _ I think we could have been friends. Maybe. I’d like to be. You seem like you could use some more friends in the world.  _

_ Wilde - you can let yourself be open sometimes, yeah? Took me a while to learn that myself, honestly. Still don’t really like it, much.  _ ~~_ Some people are worth it _ ~~ _ It can be… nice, though. Letting other people care. Letting them in.  _ ~~_ Gives you more to lose, but the payoff is worth it _ ~~ __

_ Get some sleep, if you can. Make some jokes. You can smile too, you know.  _

_ Don’t miss us too much.  _

_ Sasha _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also now that we’re done yes i know people don’t write out ellipses in letters or use dashes as much or repeat words idc i wanted it to sound in character


End file.
